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♥ gracie baby!281190. twentyone.
unrecoverable chocoholic. touch rugby #07.
gracie. cie. smallone. jellybean. cie-ly. babykins. bounce. shortie. starshine.
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my sis copying my everything! waking up in the morning. never mess up my hair.
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Lovenotes
Monday, 28 November 2011
21.
this post is dated as the 28th November 2011, as it fits best & most people would have long skimmed past it by viewing the latest. yes, this is a private blog, but i do realise recently many, way too many, people have been reading. this entry is extremely self-absorbed and filled with my ramblings, unedited, and off the top of my head feelings; therefore i'd rather it be laid low, for myself to read in distant years.this is my 21st; the bits & pieces as i remember of it. ♡
i have never had a birthday party. i never had more than just family celebrating my birthday until i was 20 -- two decades of forgotten birthdays by friends who were more concentrated on it being our end-of-year holidays. in fact, i had always secretly wanted my birthday to fall on a school day; that never happened. not in 21 years of my life, not even in university. just so that maybe, just maybe, my classmates won't forget again and for-once-in-my-life celebrate my birthday with me. =/ i'm not pitying myself though, honestly i'm just thankful i even have my family to celebrate it with. :)) but i can't deny that there's a kind of happiness and loved (oh social theories) when friends not just remember but actually bother hold a celebration, no matter the size, for you. ♥ and i'm thankful.
for my 21st, i decided to hold a birthday party for the first time in my life. in every sense, i had never expected to do so every time my parents brought it up for the past 2-3 years, though my mum had always wanted me to. in my mind, i felt sharing the same birthdate as my dad also means i shouldn't BE celebrating my birthday so hugely when it's his birthday on the day too, which was why i refused it time and time again when my mum asked me. however, i changed my mind during early 2011. partly because of my mum's wishes, partly because my mum kept nagging at my big sis for her un-expectations-reaching 21st, partly because of self-ego, partly because the day i decided to hold it on will NOT be my dad's & i real birthday (hence not taking his well deserved birthday boy attention off him), but honestly? it was to make my mum feel proud when she sees an AMAZING party. that indeed, her daughters (cause my sis is THE BOMB) can indeed pull off a beautiful girly 21st party that BLOWS. HER. MIND.
so everything came apart the night before the 26th, when my mum softly told me she wouldn't be able to make it for my birthday party as she was extremely sick. because it then hit me that she was truthfully the main reason why i even held a party, wanted it to be beautiful, wanted it to be perfected, wanted her to feel proud. :( i went WAY over my budget, but i really wanted her to love it. and, guess who's the idiot who passed the cough to her? it was a slight throat infection on me, but for my mum, it spread to her lungs and caused a cough so bad she was bed ridden with muscle aches. honestly, just felt like shit being the worst daughter ever to cause her own mother such pain just because i didn't want to see a doctor properly earlier.
i think for the first time in my life, not because of getting canned, nor because of watching a sad movie together, i actually cried like a baby in front of my mum. :( because at that moment on her bed -- feeling how weak she was, feeling like the world's shittest daughter placed on earth, and feeling like i really do not want to hold my stupid birthday party without her -- i really couldn't take it. i don't cry easily, at least not from human emotions. pain, yes. family-related sad advertisements, yes. but not by human emotions happening right in front of me. i have a strong emotional control over myself because i hate it when people cry easily, and i refuse to be one of those girls. but like an idiot, i cried. =/ and i wanted to cancel the party.
i didn't. of course. there was almost $2,000 worth of deposit alr paid, my mum would probably dragged herself off the bed and saw my head off if i had cancelled. now, i am thankfully that i didn't cancel it. friends truly did make the whole party feel worth it, though there was always something missing, like an exam that didn't have an invigilator surveying you -- at the end of it, you didn't feel like you were given the proper marks. and i missed her, a lot, during it.
but, i have a lot to be thankful for. for one, my low self-esteem made me expect about half-to-none of the invited people to turn up. for another first time in my life, there were no 'Maybe Attending' or 'Not Attending' in a Facebook event (though mostly it was my friends being nice, yay! :D ♥). for two, my friends all helped out ALOT! the UBers did almost all the deco and the pretty backdrop for photobooth, jean & her little bro did ALL THE BEAUTIFUL BALLOONS from the grand balloon door entry to around the whole room to all the way down the stairs! ♥ i was so in love with the deco, it was dreamlike. :') my sister and her boyfriend and dom were amazing, they were my superheroes for the day! :D like for example, when the cake was coming and my sis realised there were NO PLATES, NO FORKS, NO SERVIETTES. GG. she drove all the way to park lane mall to find those supplies in time for the cake cutting! ♥ LIFESAVER! :') ♥ and of course, thank you God for the beautiful weather. :)) it was raining madly the entire day and week, yet in perfect timing for the party at 7pm, the rain stopped -- for the whole day till 2am. ♥ thank you God for being wonderful.
i made 3 identical wishes with the 3 different cakes i got through the week of my 21st. 1 from the party, 2 from dom and 3 from family. with all 3, i made the same wish, in hopes it will be thrice the strength in coming true.
it did.
my mum's all better now. everything is finally truly perfect. ♡
xx
ciely